How to practice self-compassion during uncertain times

Cultivating self-compassion will help you increase your inner strength and resilience.

Jul 10, 2024

When I was in the hospital for six weeks recovering from a near-fatal car crash seven years ago, I used mindfulness to help me stay positive during very difficult and painful situations.

After each trauma came years and years of therapy. I grieved the loss of ‘our future’ of going to Loreto, Baja, each winter for a month.

Yet, I had positive experiences despite difficult situations.

It began after my third of five abdominal surgeries in fifteen days. I heard a voice in the darkness say:

“You get to choose how you go through experience. What will you choose?”

This was not the voice of my usual intuition and knowing. This was different. I believe it was my spiritual guide.

I immediately knew I didn’t want to be a victim of this circumstance so I thought,

I’ll take the high road because I didn’t want to be a victim. I would use love and gratitude to heal.

I already knew what being a victim felt like. This time, I’d manage my mind instead of it managing me.

I accepted the reality of the situation.

I was in the hospital because I’d been in a near-fatal car wreck.
I had to depend on my caregivers for everything.
They were trying to save my life.
My job was to heal to get back to living my life.

John and I were air evacuated from La Paz, Baja. He was able to stay with me in my room because Sharp Memorial was a Planetree Hospital, which is a patient/family centered hospital.

When we were able to fly home almost six weeks later, I was still in a bliss state from the near-death experience that lasted about four months. It took me 18 months to heal my injuries and concussion.

One year after the accident, we drove down to San Diego with our Airstream to visit my trauma surgeon, Dr. Kill (his real name), and my caregivers on three shifts at Sharp Memorial.

We visited Dr. Kill in the family lounge on the surgical floor. I asked him to talk to me about resilience.

“Most people want to get through this (being in the hospital) and get out of here as fast as possible to get on with their lives,” Dr. Kill said. “You seemed to be reflective and accepting of what was happening.”

I knew not to resist what was happening in my outer world because the reality was it was happening. I’d spent 700 hours studying the art of inquiry with Byron Katie.

I accepted the fact my job was to survive and learn to walk for the second time.

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion means being kind to yourself when life isn’t going the way you want.

Your life will change when you become mindful of your struggles and respond to yourself with compassion, kindness, and support in difficult times.

Kristen Neff, PhD, has researched self-compassion for the past few decades. Her research shows that giving yourself a break from judgment and learning to accept your imperfections is the first step to better health.

Self-compassionate people tend to be happier and have a more optimistic outlook.

Become mindful of your inner critic.

That doesn’t mean happier people don’t have an inner self-critic. It means they’re mindful of what they’re thinking and have learned to act with self-compassion.

Each of us has an inner critic that can be harsh at times. This is the voice in the head that you believe is you.

You are not the voice in your head. That’s the voice of your ego.

When you notice what you’re thinking, who is doing the noticing?

It’s your higher Self.

When your inner critic is active, it taps into the body’s threat defense system. This reptilian brain (amygdala) activates and releases cortisol (adrenaline).

In our society today, we’re not afraid of being eaten by a tiger, but we have this inner critic that gains power when we believe what it says.

The voice of the ego keeps you playing small in your life.

Self-compassion is one antidote to a harsh critic.

Compassion is linked to the mammalian care system. When you feel inadequate and then are compassionate with yourself, you’ll feel safer and more cared for.

When this care system is activated, oxytocin (the love hormone) and endorphins (the feel-good hormones) are released.

A soothing touch is one way to help activate the compassion response.

Experiment with the following touch responses to see which helps you feel calm and soothed. Do this where you can close your eyes and have privacy.

Put one or two hands over your heart and feel the warmth of your hand(s).
Cup your hand over a fist over your heart.
One hand on your heart and one on your belly.
Cupping your hands in your lap.
Gently stroking your arms.

The goal is to give yourself a dose of self-compassion to comfort yourself during difficult times.

If a soothing touch doesn't work for you, try petting an animal if you have one or hold a soft pillow.

The main point is to express kindness and compassion to yourself, just as you would to a friend who needs support.

Self-compassion is a superpower.

We tend only to use it to comfort others, but we need to start using it for ourselves.

Dr. Neff advises not to confuse self-compassion with self-indulgence, one of the biggest reasons people aren’t more self-compassionate.

People think self-criticism keeps them in line, but it doesn’t work.

Research has shown that self-compassion helps people feel more socially connected, increases life satisfaction and happiness, and makes them less depressed, anxious, and stressed.

Being more caring to yourself leads you to be more compassionate with others.

People who practice self-compassion are more able to cope with life challenges such as divorce, chronic pain, raising special needs children, being a full-time working parent, caring for aging parents, or helping children with school.

What has to be in place:

Compassion is we’re all in this together.
You have to be able to see it – to be awake to it.
You might judge a homeless person, but that’s not compassion. Is there anything I can do to help them?
What makes it compassion and not pity – pity is looking down on someone else and is unhealthy.

Three components need to be in place for a healthy mindset:

Mindfulness--the foundation of self-compassion. It teaches us how to respond to stress with awareness of what is happening in the present moment. We can be with ourselves with an open, non-judgmental attitude for what’s arising.
Being kind to ourselves is simply treating yourself with loving care and concern, as you would show to a good friend. We know how to do this for others, but we aren’t used to doing this for ourselves.
Connectedness -- remember that we’re all imperfect. There’s an inherent connectedness with self-compassion. I’m imperfect, and I know we all have this human condition.

How to give yourself what you need in the moment:

1. Get out of your mind and treat yourself like a friend.

2. Reframe the situation and know everyone goes through hard times.

3. Relate to “what is” happening with kindness and an open heart.

4. Give yourself what you need in the moment.

5. Notice when you feel sad. and perform one of the touch responses.

6. Feel the warmth of your hands over your heart.

Practice:

Think of a friend who needed support recently. How did you respond to them when they needed your support?
Now, think of when you needed support recently. Then, respond to yourself with the same kindness, goodwill, and an open heart.

This is a good antidote to your inner critic, whose voice can be hurtful.

You have to get out of your mind and treat yourself with warmth, caring, and understanding – just as you would for a friend.

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Practice – The Self-Compassion Break

It’s like pressing the reset button on your computer.

You give yourself these three components of self-compassion.

Slow form meditation

Choose one situation causing you emotional difficulty, and you might benefit from warmth and tenderness.

Don’t choose something you’re angry about but something where you need more self-compassion. On a scale of 1 to 10 – choose a 4 or 5 experience to work with.

Think of a situation where you feel it may be helpful to bring in a little tenderness.
Maybe you’re sad and grieving what’s happening to the U.S. political system, and you’re worried the country will elect a dictator. This is a major loss, and many of us are doing anticipatory grieving in advance as we watch. Take action - sign up voters. That’s what my husband and I’ll do.
Perhaps you’re worried about finances, health, aging parents, raising children in an uncertain world, or relationship issues.

Bring this situation to mind.

Notice what’s happening.
Feel your way into it.
What’s going on?

Feeling the sadness or tension in your body.

1. Now bring in the first component – Mindfulness

This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is here, and it’s hard.

2. Find some language that feels authentic to you.

This hurts.

I feel stretched beyond my limits.

I feel alone.

I’m frightened.

3. Bring in kindness - take a self-compassion break.

Adopt the soothing, gentle touch. Use your hands to communicate with your body for presence, warmth, and care.

4. Bring in words of kindness.

In this situation, what words do you need to hear right now?

“It’s going to be okay.”

“I’m here for you.”

“I accept you just the way you are, flaws and all.”

“I’m proud of all you’re doing.”

“I love you.”

1. How did it feel when you brought mindfulness to the situation?

2. What happened when you brought in touch?

3. Can you find words of kindness to say to yourself as if you were speaking to a good friend?

Fostering self-compassion requires courage to overcome the challenges to embracing it. It calls for mindful commitment.

It’s a way of being in a relationship with yourself that’s the foundation for resilience when dealing with life’s challenges.

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