The Freedom of Making Amends: How to Clean Up Your Life
Making heartfelt apologies to people you've hurt can heal your life.
My mother and I five years ago when I made amends to her.
"There are measurable health benefits to having an open heart and a clear mind. A sincere apology is a central mechanism to self-forgiveness."
Frederic Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project
My mother turns 98 on Halloween. She's had short-term memory loss for the past decade, but for the first five years, she had more of her long-term memory and seemed to be more mentally with it than she is now.
I wanted to apologize to her directly to mend our relationship for the pain I caused her during my teenage years through my words and actions. I hoped to ask for her forgiveness before she passed away. On a trip back to Atlanta about five years ago, I asked for her forgiveness. Note: I needed to keep it general so she would understand what I was asking for, but you’ll read below that amends need to be specific.
"Mom, I want to apologize to you for being rebellious during my teenage years and for anything I said or did that hurt you. I'm sorry, and I want to ask for your forgiveness," I said as I sat next to her on the couch and held her hands.
She looked at me and thought for a moment, then said, “I suppose I was rebellious too when I was a teenager,” as she laughed.
"I forgive you," she said, looking at me, as tears welled up in my eyes.
I realized before I went to see her that I wanted to heal my relationship with her. For much of my life, there had been an anger towards her. Yet after the car wreck I was in eight years ago, I began reflecting on my life. I realized that some of my traumatic childhood experiences were those where I felt she didn't see or hear me. This caused me to feel as if no one was there to help me through those times.
This apology and her forgiveness were crucial in healing our relationship. Now we experience a love fest when we talk on the phone.
I want to view all of the relationships in my life through the lens of love. Recently, I made a list of people whom I wanted to apologize to for specific actions that may have hurt them. This list includes family members, friends, and coworkers from long ago. While contacting people I worked with long ago might seem odd to you, these are boulders I've carried around inside that I want to put down now. I want to feel like I've cleaned up my life. I want to feel lighter.
Since I've grown and done a lot of work on myself, I’ve been able to look back on my life and recognize the harm I've caused to others. It was not intentional harm, but I didn't know any better at the time.
How do I want to rewrite the story of that person in my life and clean up the harm I've done to them in my family or friendship?
Why Making Amends Matters More Than You Think
We all make mistakes, big and small. We let emotions and unconscious baggage dictate our words or actions, and in the process, sometimes cause people pain and hurt that we love, care about, and respect. This is a fact of life and relationships, so the question is not whether this will happen. The question is what to do when it does happen.
Some might argue that most of the time when someone acts in a hurtful way, it's typically out of anger, pain, addiction, or simply carelessness. It wasn't intended to hurt, so why rub it in? And besides, it's over and done—it's in the past—why not just "move on?"
Every spiritual and religious tradition includes the importance of apology, forgiveness, and making amends.
In Judaism, one of the year's holiest days is the Day of Atonement.
Catholics confess their sins to a priest to receive guidance and forgiveness.
In the 12-step program, making amends to people you have harmed is one of the steps.
There's profound wisdom in this universal practice.
The Healing Power of Amends—For Both Parties
Usually, when we think about apologies and making amends, we think about it in terms of providing healing for the injured party, and there's no question that it can be a gift.
A sincere apology can be medicine for a wounded heart.
But making amends can be equally healing and essential for someone who has committed the wrongdoing. Tara Brach, a psychologist and Buddhist practitioner, wrote of this act's importance for healing for both parties:
"Self-forgiveness is often not even possible, and certainly cannot be complete, until we have in some way made amends to those we've injured. Making amends is not for satisfying an external standard of morality. Instead, it is an expression of our belonging to the world and our hearts. The urge to make amends arises when we have dared to face the reality of our impact on others. It occurs when our hearts yearn to relieve their suffering or when we dedicate ourselves to not causing further suffering.
As we intentionally take responsibility for our actions, the harsh grip of self-aversion loosens, and we come home to a sense of connectedness, peace, and ease. This healing is very close to the Jewish process of atonement. By atoning for our errors, we make possible reconciliation—with God, with the injured other, and with our own heart and being."
The Psychology Behind Making Amends
The concept of making amends comes from profound psychological, spiritual, and relational wisdom. Here's why people need to give amends to others:
For the Person Making Amends:
Guilt and shame relief - Carrying unresolved harm creates a psychological burden and internal suffering
Integrity restoration - Aligning actions with values reduces cognitive dissonance
Self-forgiveness - Taking responsibility opens the door to forgiving oneself
Emotional freedom - Releasing the energy tied up in avoidance, defensiveness, or denial
For the Person Receiving Amends:
Validation of harm - Having their pain acknowledged helps heal psychological wounds
Closure - Can provide emotional resolution to unfinished business
Trust restoration - Sincere amends can begin rebuilding damaged trust
Empowerment - Being approached with genuine accountability can restore their sense of worth
When to Make Amends
Not sure if you should apologize?
Even if you don't think what you said or did was so bad, or believe that the other person is actually in the wrong, it's still important to apologize when you've hurt or angered someone.
Dr. Ronald Siegel, assistant professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, explains:
"To preserve or re-establish connections with other people, you have to let go of concerns about right and wrong and try instead to understand the other person's experience."
That ability is one of the cornerstones of emotional intelligence, which underlies healthy, productive relationships of all types.
The Four Elements of a Good Apology
According to the late psychiatrist Dr. Aaron Lazare, an apology expert and former chancellor and dean of the University of Massachusetts Medical School, a good apology includes four key elements:
1. Acknowledge the offense
Please take responsibility for the harm caused, whether it was physical or psychological, and confirm that your behavior was unacceptable. Avoid vague or evasive language, and do not frame the apology in a way that downplays the offense or questions whether the victim was truly hurt.
2. Explain what happened
The challenge here is to explain how the offense occurred without excusing it. Sometimes the best strategy is to say there is no excuse.
3. Express remorse
If you regret the error or feel ashamed, say so: this is all part of expressing sincere remorse.
4. Offer to make amends
For example, if you owe someone money, pay it back. When the offense has hurt someone's feelings, acknowledge the pain and promise to try to be more sensitive in the future.
Effective amends
"I'm sorry I lost my temper last night. I've been under a lot of pressure at work, but that's no excuse for my behavior. I love you and will try harder not to take my frustrations out on you."
Why it works: Takes responsibility, explains but does not excuse why the mistake happened, expresses remorse and caring, and promises reparation.
Ineffective amends
"I apologize for whatever happened."
Why it won't work: Language is vague; offense isn't specified.
"Mistakes were made."
Why it won't work: Use of passive voice avoids taking responsibility.
The Freedom That Comes From Cleaning Up Your Life
I've carried these boulders around inside—the unresolved harms, the words I wish I could take back, the relationships I left wounded—they take up space in my heart and mind.
Carrying around boulders creates what Byron Katie calls "the story" that keeps us trapped in guilt, shame, and separation.
Making amends isn't just about the other person. It's about coming home to yourself. It's about putting down the heavy stones you've been carrying and walking lighter in the world.
Apology and atonement are offered to the person we hurt, but they also help us grow. Atonement brings real change.
As I continue this practice of cleaning up my life, I'm discovering something profound: every amend I make creates more space for love. Every apology opens a door to connection. Every act of taking responsibility brings me closer to the person I want to be.
The courage to face our impact on others—to feel the remorse, take responsibility, and make things right—is one of the most healing practices we can undertake. Not just for those we've hurt, but for our hearts that are yearning to come home to peace.
We all make mistakes, big and small—apologies and making amends provide healing for the injured party. Making amends can be equally healing and essential for someone who has committed wrongdoing. Apology and making amends are crucial in a relationship because they establish, or re-establish, a basis of trust.
Have you asked for forgiveness or made amends in your life? How has it impacted your relationship with that person for the better?
I’d love to hear from you about how this has impacted your life.